On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
