last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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