I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
