We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize