I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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