What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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