oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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