Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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