I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
