Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
