dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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