I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
