Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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