paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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