btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Randomize
