Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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