Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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