TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
