omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
