I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
