your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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