oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
