i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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