I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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