New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
