Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
