I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
