You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
