I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
