god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
