he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
