Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
