Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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