Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
