I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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