you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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