he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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