the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize