I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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