you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
