well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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