before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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