There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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