mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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