Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just cropdusted the office
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
