found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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