I just cut my nipple shaving
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
