Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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