Who wears a wallet chain?!
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
