I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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