i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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