just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
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