YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Randomize
