Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
