note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
