Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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