So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I look excited, but its just a facade.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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