It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I cut my penus on the lid.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
