i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
