i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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