Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize