Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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