I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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